Tuesday, 10 January 2012

30 Years Ago

Got to get off my chest 30 years of angst.

Was 30 years ago today that my good friend Stephen died. He was my first adult love. Blonde, tall, blue-eyed, handsome....soooooooooooo handsome..film star handsome......clever....introduced me to some good music....Steely Dan, Stephen Stills, Genesis...and I he to The Eagles,...

He took his own life. Looking back, I can see that he was, for some reason, a deeply troubled soul. Had issues with his dad. I thought his dad was lovely, but there you go. He knew what to do to end things...being a chemist. What a waste of life. It haunts me, over and over. I go over in my mind at events previous to all this and wonder if I could have done anything to stop him. I 'dream' of this...'saving' him with the right words and actions... Futile. It was nothing to do with me, but you always wonder if you could have done something to stop this destructive train of thought. When I get to heaven I shall give him a bloody good 'what for!'.... and a knuckle sandwich from his sister..if I get there first!

We were 16 when we started dating. Both gawky teens, but he morphed into a handsome man and I seemed to be left behind...although, looking back it wasn't like that. It was just lack of confidence on my part. I had loads, plenty of 'suitors' in those days but I stayed loyal to him. First love and all that. Plonker me! I worked and he went to uni and he met 'someone'. I couldn't understand this disloyalty. Truly broke my heart. I met her a couple of times and didn't like her at all. Thought she was a precocious, pompous cow. Like 'I'm SO clever, I got to uni, mer mer mer mer mer! type. Ack. This is before I 'knew' who she was. Wasn't clever enough to look after him, was she?

I could've gone to uni, but didn't in those days. Parents couldn't afford it, although they didn't say and wouldn't have stopped me. but, they had struggled enough beforehand, so I went to work.

I have only one photo of Stephen...even though we dated for four years..and the photo I have doesn't do him justice. He was sooooooooooo lovely looking. Why the fuck did he do it when he had so much going for him? Love him as much as I did...and do....but...I think...You Pillock..you had all that going for you!!

He's buried a few 'doors' away from my father, so Dad would have given him a 'what for', too....but will be watching out for him, aswell. And probably beating the uni boy at chess? lol xxx


dawny said...

I don't know what to say , so sending hugs xxx

ann said...

hugs x x x x x x